Thursday, June 04, 2009

It's been a long time coming---

It's been awhile since I have made the invisible internet world aware of my existence. I have been on a journey. I won't really say it's one of those amazing, trip to Nepal- gotta figure it all out journey's either. It's more of---shall we say-----the shittiest journey I have ever been on my life. Because for the most part, my life has been good. Very good. But this past year---or even the past two years has been shit. I am not going to sugar coat anything. I don't care. I gotta put it all out there, just to get by. Seriously.
A couple of weeks ago I had my fifth miscarriage. I think with six, you get eggroll. I have been pregnant off and on, for two years. The entire first two years of my marriage have been spent getting pregnant and losing it over and over again. It is painful and scary and a very solitary time for me. I don't think people fully understand the impact it can have on a woman. It is heartbreaking. And like I always, say, I'm basically 40---time is passing me by like crazy. It's crazy----crack addicts have babies every second. Me? I have a fruit shake and the baby dies. Oh, I know it will all work out. People always say that---"You'll be a mom one day"----"at least it happened early"------ha--When somebody's parent dies, do ya say---"well, at least ya have another one"-----Ahhh, but they don't mean any harm. And it is a hard subject to talk about. But it's funny, I have no problem talking about it. As you can see, I have no problem, since I am blogging about it. But, society continues to whisper it like a disease. ** The lovely picture above was taken right before my recent d&c surgery. I tried to take it like a trooper---but man, it was hard.

So---I have been dealing with this crap along with the rest of life and all it's joy. My husband just got fired recently, which is great, because I haven't been working for a couple of months and there is nothing under our mattress except dust---well, there is actually no dust, because I have ocd and clean the house from top to bottom. Every day. We have four animals, who I make sure eat better than us. Not true, we actually have five animals, because my parents are on their own journey to depression and have been living in hotels since early December. Let it be known, these Hotels are not resorts in St. Maarten---they are like tiny ants of Hotels, barely even noticeable on any map. I miss my parents. I long for those easy times, sitting around drinking too much coffee, laughing and listening to their old albums. I barely see them now.
So--I sit here, drinking decaf--writing these words, in between Facebook check ins--hoping people still know I exist. I realize I need to write a book----and if I could let myself just do it instead of making up excuses, it could be half finished by now. But I worry, it won't be good--or where do I start---or who cares---So I begin on this blog--hoping things will just flow. There is no bullshit here. If you came looking for a note on Strawberries--I do apologize. I gotta just put down truthful words about my life right now. That is what is going on. That is what I am feeling.
Come again---xo


Anonymous said...

love you write that book, or just stay on the blog. for real

Anonymous said...

by the way, this is sherry speaking above

Glennis McMurray said...

Keep writing, Rubin! You have a wonderful sense of humor and a lot to say. And you have not by any means been forgotten.


Stana said...

Miscarriages suck! And perhaps if more people shared their feelings like you have here then people would understand better. And maybe, just maybe, women would feel less alone when it happened to them. Thanks for being honest Jenny... and for being... well... you!

Wendella said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wendella said...

I love you, Rube. Thank you for your honesty. Having a miscarriage is worse than Asian prison. I hope you are writing a book, I want an autographed copy. What is it that Allen Warnock says, misery is the "mother" of invention??
Hoping 2010 is a better year

A. said...

I just had my first miscarriage. Reading this was perfect -- right in that dark humor vein I seem to find myself straying to over and over.

Great point about people meaning well, but not saying stupid stuff if a parent died. If I hear, "You'll be fine!" one more time, I'm going to scream.